Journal Entry For M. Written August 2014

For M.

Journal Entry | about 1 year ago

January 2014 - Almost 30 years of carefully crafted steel shell and molten core came to nothing. In 3/4 of a second and one breath, everything changed. It's amazing how much power can be held in so little time, and such a silly trivial moment.

Hey.

3 letters, 3/4 of a second, one moment in time where you found a sliver of my mind not desperately digging ragged fingernails into a narrow ledge of shallow breath while my iron will held back the hell that had me by the throat.

The fact of the matter is, I had no expectations, at least not for you. Just some passing bit of nothing floating by one soul that saw nothing but scars in it's wake and the abyss before it.

3 letters to a few words, a few words to one conversation, everything in me on the floor and then nothing, silence, me sitting stunned and bottomed out. I think I had forgotten you were even there, on the other end of that fucking phone, the cold outside of your window sucking up the cold I had bared my teeth at for half a decade.

6 words and it all came down, like nothing. One steel core transformed to glass, with 6 words between 2 people that had probably never even been in the same damn CITY at the same damn time.

I had no expectations of you, you weren't ever supposed to be there at all.

"You need to get out of there. I'm in the car. Are you going to tell me where you are or do I have to drive around Lansing looking for you?"

It wasn't a question and I was no fool, a simple command and there was nothing left to stop you.

6 words turn to 6 hours of 4 words running through my head in an endless loop, "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?"

And there you were, black metal against a black sky in a cold night, blind and limitless, and such a fool.

What did you expect? I had no expectations of you, and you, you God damn bull headed stubborn Taures, incapable of connecting the possibility that the flow of your life could ever be out of step, stepped out into that cold night, liquid steel where you'd robbed mine away in 6 breaths, and now it was me that turned to ice.

Because you weren't supposed to be there, weren't supposed to exist.

I never expected anything of you, but I damn sure didn't expect you either.
Almost 20 years ago I formed, as all small girls do, a fairy tale, the image of a man crafted in the mind. refined with time, illusion.

I could have believed anything else, and I felt my core freeze, heard the laugh of my soul in disbelief, of course it would be you, 6 words of course it would be you, who else could have said them? My soul laughing at the insanity of it while my mind screamed for me to run and my body froze to that winter's ground.

You silly stupid boy. What did you expect? You carried the deepest core of me casually, without any idea.

What you didn't see was that you stepped into that cold night, lit a fire in your mind and let it consume you, consume me in a perfect terrible trap.

Because for everything you took, as only you could, whatever tie binds us can't break the ones that bind me, your heat of your hand on my neck can't break the cold chains of fate for me.

I am sorry. I am sorry that you broke yourself against me, desperately trying to break me free. I could have taken the cost of you, what I can't take now is that I am still frozen on the sidewalk, "Run", "This one will destroy you", "What are you doing?"

"Run." "You destroy him." "What have you done?"

"Run. You need to get out of there. Who will save you from the price you pay for trying to save me?"