Random Unrandom, The INTP/INTJ, Damn Good Poker Player, Sucks at Life.

So I feel like a shit. My life is so scattered all over right now and crazy drama shit to work through, and has been for a while. I know this. Things come up like hey move on be happy find love, over and over, and I'm over here like, don't you get how fucked up shit is? I don't want to make a mess of other people's lives. To me that's like hey sure I know what a fucking mess I am but sure I'll be the idealistic romantic, fuck that I'm bringing shit tons of baggage and mess into your life. I get it, everyone wants to be happy. So do I but at the same time I feel like, is it going to make me happy to start a relationship when I haven't officially ended my marriage, healed from the damage, or got my shit together to be in a healthy place to start anything? No one needs broken. This isn't about any specific person this is about the fact that I know where I am at this point, and I don't get how it is I can NOT disappoint people while also not making what feels like a wrong decision that affects another person's life and more than possibly not in a good way. Since my status has been separated, I have had more than a few people hit on me, and there's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, I just feel like it is wrong for me to let that into my life at this point, which would pretty much make me feel selfish and inconsiderate of how my life affects another persons. Why is it that human relations to each other are so damn complex? I like simple black and white answers, not this grey ground where things don't seem to make simple sense.

The curse of being an INTJ, we over analyze EVERYTHING and so tend to stay locked in that analysis storm instead of ever moving in any direction, due to all the possibilities that we see, both good and bad. Our brains work on this basis of seeing all angles of all things and the implications of it all, and this freezes us like deer in headlights running through all that information, immobilized to move any way at all due to the uncertainty of every move.

I am a person that wants to always know the right move before I move at all. LIFE does not work that way and I have never been able to simply accept that without considerable mental effort to forcibly change my thinking. I'm the type that a birthday surprise party would scare the fuck out of me for the first 10 minutes, I'd say something like thanks thats sweet but my brain would be going how do I get control of this situation for half an hour before relaxing and saying fuck it. I have got to learn to balance this better.

I hate it, I do it with jobs, people, hell I do it with going out for a beer, constantly weighing every bit of information that is just natural to my perception. I can't get into a conversation with a new person without being aware of everything they say, whether or not it means what they say, what am I missing that isn't being said, and am I correct or incorrect on reading between the lines, and how does it all affect me and how does it all affect them, constantly, sometimes I want an off switch to my brain, just STOP with the incessant data analysis. Learning to just be and shut that down is hard. I have noticed people tell me just stop thinking and let it go, which instead of making me stop thinking and let it go then starts the whole switch of all the positives and negatives IF I just stop and let it go. God, please reprogram me.

The up side? I process information like a mother fucker, I literally process shit too fast for worded thought so most of my brain works on insticutual concept instead of worded thought, which makes it fast and easy in less complex situations.

Down side of that? I have to stop and figure out how to translate what I am thinking or feeling into worded thought to communicate, and feel like I don't communicate well.

Any other iNTJ's deal with this on a regular basis?